Today, I’m gonna talk a bit about my life. Yeah, sorry, no sex in this episode. At least, it’s not planned. I promise, soon. No, but please, stay ! In the meantime, you can go and read again this and this. If the article reaches 10 000
blue thumbs likes, I will show you a picture of young me on my tractor. For real, the picture exists and I’m so cute on it.
Everything started in
a galaxy far, far away a small village lost in the Loire (80 km from Lyon). Worst than the countryside, it’s like a desert. It was 11h30, I didn’t eat when my mom decided to evict me from her uterus. Without notice or summation. I thought she was abusing, so I screamed.
Young, I had white hair. No, no, not blond, white. It was really weird. And they became blond, but not as much as Trump, and I had glasses that when I wasn’t wearing, I couldn’t see shit. But you know that if you read this article. You can say it because I was thinking the same, I was ugly. So ugly my sister liked reminding me that they made a mistake at the clinic and swapped me with a little dutch boy. Thanks, sis’.
I had a peaceful childhood. On the contrary of my nephews today, I was an angel and I was never fighting or arguing with my sisters, I was never making any fuss. I was way too busy playing with my Nintendo Entertainment System. You know, this, but the non-shrink version. I was the first in my class (no wonder with that head), well first tie, because there was always this little Claire bitch, always sticking to my ass (at school, I mean). Already then, I was a geek with computers and my parents knew I would never become a top model (or maybe a foot model, but my feet are pretty normal), or a rockstar I’m wondering if they were thinking I would still live with at the age of 40.
And then, there was middle school. Clearly the worst years of my existence. Kids are so dumb and mean at this age, but we’ll come back to it in a future article because I have things to say about that topic. But, don’t worry, I haven’t been tortured, so the worst years of my existence, it remains very relative, and I consider myself lucky in my life in general, my parents never forbade me to watch Club Dorothée, DBZ, Pokemon, all that.
Stop everything you are doing. No, obviously, not reading, continue. I was gonna write « Ségolène Royal, you dirty bitch. » because she’s the reason why the stopped Club Dorothée. It appears that it’s absolutely not true, and that it was a rumor launched during the presidential election of 2007. My world is shattering. Literally. Thanks Wikipedia.
And then I went to high school. Yes, I’m still ugly. But who cares, because at high school, I spent the best moments of my life. This is where I fell in love for the first time. Her name was Stephanie
de Monaco, she was the most beautiful girl I ever seen in the world, I saw her every day on the train or in the city, and never in 3 fucking high school years did I manage to go and talk to her being that shy. NE-VER. I actually saw her again several years later, and I still didn’t manage to confess that to her at that moment. I don’t care, I did get my bac S, and hell, with mention.
But I still don’t know what to do with my life. And the orientation counselor told me I could never do career in porn. So I decide to do what I liked since I’m young, computer science studies (At the time, I wanted to work in the video game industry because it looked cool. (But it was mostly cool to play it…). And with my glasses and zits, super shy, it sticks to the profile. So I’m doing a 2 year diploma(because at that time, I’m already fed up with school) in Lyon. I become therefore a city person and for the first time, I leave the family nest (to never come back).
2 years later, I get my diploma with the very average average of 10.02. I am therefore the guy that made the least efforts possible to get it, just what was required. In the meantime, we had quite a laugh. And I follow up directly with my first experience on the work market. I open a blog which you will sadly not read about, keep reading and you’ll see why.
I make a pit stop to makeover: I trade my glasses for contact lenses, dye my hair in black, and I decide to keep my acne because I’m nostalgic of it I even have my punk rebellious period with spiked hair. Look at that, it’s me in 2007.
And for the first time since I’m born, I have consensual not priced sexual relations with a female person of my age. I’m not gonna go in details of my love life because you’ll find that in details later, once again. Please be patient.
A few years later, I get fired from my first job because of that same blog that I talked about. Yes, the young and dumb version of me found very smart to criticize my employer and their customers on that blog, and I totally don’t understand why they didn’t like it. Sorry to disappoint you, but you’ll never be able to read my rebellious thoughts from that time.
I move out to the North-East of France, to work in the well-known eldorado of Luxembourg, where I’m now since more than 10 years.
And physically then, still as ugly ?
No. But I’m not handsome either.
More a fragile honky, very white, 1m75, 75kg, blue eyes, black hair, 3 days beard. A small belly.
One day (well, it was 10 years ago…), someone told me I looked like Matthew Bellamy, and yeah, there might have been a slight resemblance, but from far away, so it was
maybe probably just to make fun of me.
non clothing style, geek/rock t-shirt, hoodie, cargo pants, sneakers. Chill, 0 fuss. 4 times in my life have I wore a suit (including one to try it).
And in your head ?
Sometimes, I feel like I’m not alone.
Wait, I’m gonna show you my main picture on my Tinder profile, it does not need any additional comments.
For real, it’s me. Look, I’m less than a kilometer away. I’m like that, I have self-laughter in my blood. I don’t give a fuck of what others can think about how I look, what I wear, or my attitude. Like this poet well-known in France, Timothé Gustave, « We must grow indifference and not difference ».
Have you seen my acting skills (because I’m playing comedy here) in the expression of surprise ? I can do others, like joy, fear, sadness, all that. A real actor, I’m telling you.
And honestly, it does work quite well with girls (at least, those who have a brain, which is the category I prefer). At least, it’s original. After that, if you prefer bathroom mirror selfies where the guy is half naked and touches his biceps, I can’t do anything for you anymore. Regarding girls anyway, I don’t really have any criteria, except that she has a brain, is not too superficial and takes cares of herself (Yeah, let’s not lie to ourselves, that she’s not fat). But if it’s just a few extra kilos, I don’t care. As Orelsan says, « it’s that taken, it always makes more of you ». If you have big boobs, I admit that I’ll fall straight in love, but it’s not mandatory. If you have boobs, it will happen anyway, I fall in love every 5 minutes in the street.
What else… In bulk, let’s go: I have 2 cats. I think I love them more than humans. I’m a bit asocial
sometimes a lot most of the time. I don’t really have any good friends, I like to stay at y place. But it’s fine, you know. It doesn’t mean I never go outside. My parents are divorced.
I spend most of my free time playing video games and watch (way too many) TV shows/movies.
For music, I feel like I’m stuck at 20 years old, cause I’m still listening to the same rock, punk, pop, ska bands as I did before.
I’m getting bald on the top of my head. I go to bed earlier and earlier (sometimes at 9, can you imagine ?), because I can’t hold anymore (true, waking up at 5 everyday doesn’t help). I try to care about the environment, I recycle, etc. And I give my blood because it’s important. I’m telling you, I’m ready for the married life.
My life is very common. Borderline boring. But I don’t know, I like it like that. Isn’t it the most important ?
PS: If you ever encounter me on Tinder, swipe right and say hi ! 😉